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Has he received any supports? Could he have mental health issues? I'd address by saying he needs to get support I.e a counselor so changes can be made safely and over time.

That middle sentence about zero effort in finding employment and getting dragged along for 4 years should say it all. I am very sorry to say, but it definitely sounds like he is using you. Please do what is best for you and your children and move on. If it were me, at this point, either he takes the first job he can or I’m gone. Four years of using you is absolutely disrespectful.

My ex husband did this mess....you will get tired of it, and figure out there are much better men out there...He will be forced to work and pay you child support.  Good luck I know how aggravating this can be .....

I have not been in this particular situation but I have ignored red flags in the past to my own detriment. My advice would be if you’re questioning this then you need to really give it a lot of thought if you want to be with this man for the rest of your life. People don’t change their basic nature.

Agree this is a sign of depression for some and can trigger other mental strain too.
Worth looking into if this is new.
And no work, no health insurance equals no healthcare.

I think that's sad. Over here in Florida you can get 5 free sessions each year in regards to mental health.

Must be nice. I hospiced every person in my family in a short period of time, I would of deeply appreciated some help.

Just remember actions speak louder than words. He is showing you he isn’t willing to work and contribute. No reason for someone not to be employed right now. Hiring signs everywhere you look. May not be the most desirable job but jobs are plentiful.

As long as someone is providing for him, he isn’t going to get motivated to get a job. Sounds like you would be better off on your own with the kids.
THEN he would have to get motivated in order to pay child support!

You and your children cannot afford 4 more years. There are PLENTY of jobs available. You don’t have 2 children - you have 3. Seek counseling / therapy if you
Haven’t already and your partner needs to take immediate ACTION or you know your answer. Love is an action verb and your partner isn’t doing their part.  Also - partners should empower, not enable. And you are doing your partner no favors 48 months in

it’s always really hard when someone is in the thick of it. I hope everything works out well for all involved and kudos Sarah for recognizing a boundary. Sending you big wishes !

That’s a deal breaker for me. I’ve always wanted a partner who works to make a living. Who wants to be a better person by learning and doing stuff to engage.
I grew up in poverty and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
Everyone is at risk of homelessness, no matter what your financial situation is (see schitts creek for example). I’ve seen a spectrum of people suffering.
Having a sense of security based on not living paycheck to paycheck and worrying about paying bills alleviates so much stress.
We live frugally to accomplish this. We work hard to grow. Together.

If he's not contributing then why keep him? You can love him while living in separate homes with separate expenses so that your children are safe from his irresponsibility.

As a former Counselor, I can say that many people with mental disorders still work. You are so right.

Is he of sound mind? As in- does he have any mental disorders or trauma that is preventing him from being a functioning person? Healthy people aren’t unemployed for four years.

I have an mental disorder and work but I couldn’t without proper treatment from amazing folks like you! I'll say Thank You and I admire and respect you. Every human being has some issue, nobody is perfect and what is perfect anyway. You, just continue to be YOU and take care.

You deserve better! Eventually your resentment will take over and you probably won’t be able to live with it anymore. He needs to change and do something now!!

I can't fathom a man not wanting to work to support his two children. Even if there were some type of health issue. I have two health conditions and still want to work to support my child.

I’ve been in a similar place where my partner had mental health issues and a back injury. If this is the case, sometimes medicine or exercise can make a world of a difference. You could also help them look into school or alternate pathways. Maybe they aren’t motivated because they don’t want to work a factory job (for example) with long hours that’d keep them away from home. Maybe they have anxiety and they’re nervous about getting back into the workforce.
Either way, it’s not right for you to bare this burden alone. Talk with your partner and see what’s up. Does he have any intentions of helping you support your shared family? Is your income and savings (not paying childcare) significant enough to justify a single income household?

I would see if he is struggling with depression, it’s something I have personally dealt with myself and with the right treatment plan a person can get better.

You have exactly what he is and what he is happy with. You cannot charge him. Been there, done that. Had to accept and eventually I let him go. He then had to work to support himself when I stopped and he no longer had me propping him up. My suggestion is accept it is what it is OR cut the man-child loose to sink or swim with his decisions. He obviously doesn’t respect you and that’s not something that can change unless you stop enabling him.

It only gets worse.
Let him choose… job and family or child support that takes all future income.
Do NOT get married.
It doesn’t get better.
Unless you want a house husband that does the domestic duties and you support everyone. However, that’s not what you’re describing.

I went through similar, we could never get on the same page. I got sick of carrying him and it wore me out. After having kids it was too important to me to be financially secure for their benefit, so I had to leave (end of the relationship story).

I’ve been there, we ended up filing for divorce. It’s hard with the layers, the not contributing, not taking responsibility for the kids, and general lack of work ethic makes it hard to respect someone living with you as partner.

There are billions of men on the planet. Men who will work, take care of their families and take pride in doing so. There’s just no reason to accept this ever.

Let’s just say my mom stayed with my dad while he was unemployed for 10 years!!! She paid the mortgage, both cars, car insurance, food, clothes, did everything for us kids…made herself believe he would change and she wanted to keep the family together. She finally had enough and divorced him. He never changed. She’s sooo much happier.

Let me guess, you do everything around the house too. Please do not marry him. Other than him having a medical reason for not working. I get out of there. Please do not stay because you have kids together.

I agree with your comment. It only gets worse after marrying.
This is from personal experience, it only gets worse.

From my experience, you can not change a person's work ethic or desire to help financially support the household. They will give you a million excuses, solely depend on you for financial support and give you a lot of fun kept promises. They will attempt to make you believe that every move they make is justified and for your well being. If you cut off access to their wants, they will become angry. I fell for it not only once but twice. It is a very difficult recovery. My advice is "get out now"  The longer you support them the more entitled they become. Trust me...the financial and mental recovery will put you through pure hell.

There’s a big difference between someone who’s not super concerned with wealth and material possessions and someone who chooses not to contribute to the well being of their family.

Does he want to be the stay at home parent? Is that feasible? Is he a good care giver for your children? Is it possible to live off one income? (If he were taking care of the children that is). Is that something you would consider?
What is his reasoning for not finding a job? Does he hope his dream job will fall in his lap? Or does he need schooling/training for what he wants to do?
ls he depressed and unaware of that? Is there a way to get him or both of you counselling? Has he given you any reason?
I’m sorry, it puts a lot of strain on you not having similar views on the world you are navigating together. Good luck.

I told my ex he has to pay his fair share and I could not keep carrying him. He got angry - he had payments, insurance, etc. So did I.
I wrote out bills and what was at half, blah blah. Calmer but still no effort. Only after I ended it did he say he would pay his share. Too little too late, too bad so sad. He also made more than me. Give him a deadline, if there is no progress you may want to rethink your relationship. Sometimes we have more than one soulmate. We cross paths for a reason, season, or a lifetime. I wish you luck and hope things work out for you.